Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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