I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
