fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
