This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
