new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
