I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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