my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
