just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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