so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
