I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
