If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize
