y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
