I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
