The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
