Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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