Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
