he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
