Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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