you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
