he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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