Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
