He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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