i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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