I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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