You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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