note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
