we're chasing vodka with high fives
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Randomize