So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize