Me. At least after what I've been through.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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