do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
