i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
