You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
