You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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