They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
so much tequila, so little girl.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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