I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
