remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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