I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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