so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
