the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
