I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
