Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
