Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
