I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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