He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
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Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
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If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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