I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
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He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
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I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
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