I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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