You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
