I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
