she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
