my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
