Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
