So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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