this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
