Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
