Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
